Sea shells by the Seashore

I needed some sort of Paint Program to help me edit a diagram I found on the Internets for a class. I wanted to blank out the words .... And, well... Mac's don't have a microsoft Paint equivalent built into/installed on the machine so i did some hunting.

I stumbled across a blog that mentioned a few programs and after looking at the screen shots of a few: Tux Paint (for children), Pixen, Artrage, I decided on: Seashore.

And, it's pretty cool!! ^^

here's the link: http://seashore.sourceforge.net/

And, I should be nice and thank Mathieu for the advice.

Children's Books

A Voweller's Bestiary

This book is an amazingly wonderful book full of lippograms.

The uniqueness of the book is that the poems are based on the different combinations of vowels.

There are 32 different combinations available by 5 vowels (order doesn't matter). What the author, Jonarno Lawson, has done is that each word in each poem will contain the combination.

For example, in the poem that has the combination: o, a and u
all the words in this poem will have the vowels: o, a and u.

in addition to this, each poem is based on a particular animal, hence, the 'bestiary'.

the title of the poem that contains: o, a and u is

Orangutans, Toucans

glamorous toucans
outsoar coucals

so i'll give you the first 2 lines of the poem.

This is just facinating! And, many thanks to my Mathematics Instructor for this amazing idea. There are so many connections that can be made form this book. Such as, connecting poetry to mathematics. And connecting poetry to ecology and the investigation of animals!

one thing off my list

This is a great way to express thyself.

now i realize why i have time to be here on this blog and rite about these things - I'm living alone!!!

Anyways, I am done my biology assignment. And, to my slight disappointment, it's not as 'great' as it could be... but heck, given the time and the time that i'm willing (or not) to invest into it. it is what it is.

My time will be spent towards trying to get my foot into the Ministry to Education.

Good luck to me!

hard to concentrate....

HI!!!!!!

IT'S REALLY HARD TO CONCENTRATE..... cos, i have ants in my pants. I feel so jittery and jumpy.

I have an assignment due to tomorrow... but i also have more important things that are due... such as writing samples for ministries who 'might' hire me... and that is EXCITING!!!!

job application forms to send of..... acck!

lost and found

i was stressing over my lost tigger... oh where could he be? i looked everywhere for him... in the drawers, on the bed, under the covers, on top of the drawers, inside the show boxes...

he was nowhere to be found!

and then, i decided to lift up my mattress and the piece of ply wood...

and there he was -- hiding!!!!

tigger has been a very bad boy! He's been in the dark for such a long time!! It's good to have him back! I had to give him lots of pats (spanks) to rid him of all the dust that he must collected.

that's another weight of my chest.

have a few assignments i need to work on...
i'm hoping to get them done......

Teaching in Singapore...

This has ben a topic that's come up between Chris and I, and I do find the prospects of it quite appealing.

See, Singapore is like a hub - the central location of all the SouthEast Asian countries: Vietnam, Cambodia, Thailand, Indonesia, Malaysia, Laos, Philippines... and Wikipedia has taught me that there are a few more countries that are there (which I don't know of: Timor, Brunei and Myanmar). And then, it's so close to Japan, Korea and Hong Kong. It'll be a great place to be to travel. Sighhhh. Travel... Now, the question is: will working in Singapore give me enough money to travel?

I suppose I will find out. There's an information session on Monday given by the Ministry of Singapore. I'm interested. I'm not sure if I'll be jetting this year, but we'll see what happens. Really, it's not on my 'to do list' right now, but it's definitely something that I will consider... if someone goes with me! ^^

And, if we can go together, it will be such a great experience.

ON.. What Teachers Make.

missyau posted a video of this a while ago, and being back at a school has brought this poem to the forefront of my mind.


It's called 'what teachers make' written by Taylor Mali (a teacher in the states).

A link to his poem is: http://www.taylormali.com/index.cfm?webid=13

He also has a youtube video of him reciting it.. i highly recommend it!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RxsOVK4syxU

I don't know how to embed a video... and if you know, leave a comment.

it is i...

perhaps it is i, who has caused you most pain.
i who has hurt you the most.

my heart grieves. what has been done cannot be undone.
what has passed by, we can no longer go back to grasp.

my heart is dying.
suffocating, perhaps.

turn to ashes.

what is there that I can do to make things better?
i am not sure that there is anything that i can do.
not sure if anything that i do do will make a difference.

because i cannot undo what i have already done.
we can not relive what we have already lived.

it is too bad. too bad.
yet the word bad does not describe the least magnitude of how i feel.
i wonder how you feel.

it is horrid. to live in this state.
to perpetually think of these things.

nothing we do in the future will subside those of the past.
nothing we attempt in the future will repress, wash over, cover and go over
what has come of the past.

and those were my actions.
those were my thoughts.
those were the actions that i did out of impulse.

and so, i will pay the consequences.
and i have paid. yet it is not enough.
i will continue to pay, dearly.

edit:
sorry i made you worry!!!! ^^
I'm alright, really! (yah, yah, i know you don't believe me).
But thanks for your comforts!

ah...

yes, the need to survive.

the need to provide myself with the basic necessities of Maslow's Triangle.

I will continue on.

it is a positive sign. i must put in the effort and time to complete that which i think is most difficult.

Mega Armour in Action!!

So, I've finished painting and decorating my big, bad, green Mega Armour dudes!!!

I seriously need to get a camera of some sort.

Oh, and i also painted a few of those burna boyz.


spent the Family Day, well, with family! we playeded a few games together...

other than that, i feel really.. 'meh' i've been in the house all day. Perhaps I what i feel is all the pent up energy from not doing anything. and, that's translating into being tired and sleep and a bit grumpy...

one more thing: getting a moon cup has resurfaced my mind again... ^^

my lack of writing

yes, fei is right.

I have been writing very infrequently. perhaps i should blog more to keep you posted (you as in YOU, reader!!!).

And, thus i shall. Let's try this...

oh darn.. need to write another cover letter. will resume blogging asap....

btw, fei - i like the layout of your blog - and the header picture. ^^

edit:

okay, so back to my update... i finished an assignment for my educational psychology class. It was quite fun writing it. Right now, I'm reading a book called: "Three wishes: Palestinian and Israeli children Speak - Deborah Ellis". I"ll have some review questions to answer in response to the book. The book is quite interesting. It's pretty much a compilation of interviews with Palestinian and Israeli children, alternating between the two ethnic groups. They talk abotu their experiences, their life in Israel. It's pretty chaotic. With the war, guards, soldiers, bombings.

I'm also working on my Ork Army!

I've gotten a lot of new additions! I took a few pictures on my one and only existing camera that i can upload to a computer: my iphone cam. I'll get them transferred another time and show them of later.

night!

need more painting

Now that i've got one resume submitted...

i need to start working on my next set.

And, i miss painting!!! Speaking of which, i should get one of those 'fishing' boxes to sort all the bits and pieces that i have from my Ork army.

Yes, i should post a picture of my work one day....

I still have:
- 5 burna boyz to finish painting
-20 ork boyz, 1 killa kan, to assemble, prime & paint
-5 mega armored nobz to 'deal' with. See, i painted 4 of them previously, and have decided that I don't like the way i painted them. They yellow too bright, etc. etc. plainly put: i didn't put much effort into painting them, and it shows on the models. These metal models need to be stripped of the paint. We got some paint thinner form Home Depot... but it's not working.... hmm.. i think we need to go some other sort of 'thinner'.
-20 shoota boyz to touch up
-and ALL my bases to paint!!! (and this is for about another 25 models in addition to the ones above)

That's a LOT of work!!
Hopefully, i'll be able to get some painting done over the weekend.

ms. stress ball

So, here i am sitting.

the things we learned in my psych ed class are just racing thorough my mind as I think about myself and the amount of effort i am putting into this cover letter business.

The thing about being praised of 'being smart' or a 'natural', a 'talent', 'intelligent'... opposed to being praised ' you worked hard' or 'good work' or 'you tried very hard'. Studies show that students who were praised 'you're smart, etc' were less likely to want challenges and were less likely to thrive and be resistant to setbacks than students who were praised for their hard/good work. The reasoning behind this is those who were priased of being a natural talent or are intelligent believe that they have something to live up to.. that they need to continue to have such a performance.

Am i feeling that now. You see, if i need to put A LOT of effort into something, doesn't that mean that I am not smart enough, because i need to put SO much effort into it? Or, if i put effort into something, and it's not good, or the results that come from it do not demonstrate that i am indeed 'intelligent, or am a talent, or that i am smart', then I am not living up to what I have been praised for: being smart. So if i am not smart... what am i?

No, no.. there's no way that i could be stupid....

and, this goes on and on.

so, i suppose that i believe i am smart, and that i am capable. Now then, why is it so damn difficult? I feel that I am putting in a lot of effort, and i am definitely putting in a lot of time. why am i not getting any results? am i realy not trying hard enough? I think that's it's not posible that i'm stupid... so, i just give up. because, putting any more effort.. is too much effort for my 'intelligent' self to exert. It's just better to self-handicap than to have to face any evidence that will support 'i am not intelligent or capable'.

i don't know which is more breaking: the realization that I am not succeeding, or the realization that i have such a mode of thought. Either way, the facts aren't good.

damn it.

well, enough of this.

I need to work on my applications.

gaming

a 23 dollar box of models.... has an entertainment duration of about 8 - 10 hours.

hmmm.

interesting thought.

Wall.E

is so cute!

And, i have my walle!! ^^ It's in my head!!

I feel homesick, except the 'sick'ness is not for home. I miss kissy! a lot. I think i've become a bit reliant. and, that is a gross understatement.

you know, when you get this pit in your tummy/gut, or heart (but it feels lower than the heart, more like the stomach) ... and then your head thinks of a single entitiy. And, you associate the pit with the entity. Well, that's what's happening. 'cept the entity isn't 'home'.

and, i'm worried. I think i double booked. I thought I'm going to ski trip ealier this friday, but I just put the two-and two together, that i am supposed to meet with student friday afternoon.
so, i called them asking if they want to move it to wednesday. let's cross our fingers and hope that she's free on wed.

otherwise, i'll have to stay in T.O. until 430pm. and, that means all the other people will need to stay too? Or, i could try to do something else, like go over to their house on an evening.

oh der.. this is going to be ugly. methinks.

self-doubt

Sometimes, i just doubt.

And all these thoughts come rushing to my head.

sometimes, i'm too scared to put it up here. I want you, who i've asked to read this to read this... and to know this.. and all th things that are runniing through my head.

but, i'm scared of people who might get their eyes on this. And, that's holding me back.

Interview with the vampire

this is a book that i started reading earlier this year. In september. I borrowed the book for 2 weeks. Then renewed it for another 2 weeks. It turned out that over the loan period, I wasn't able to finish the book. I was perhaps about 1/2 way through the book at most.

Tonight, i watched Interview with the Vampire. Watching it was very interesting after having read a part of it. I need to admit that seeing a motion picture unfold in front of your eyes is much faster and more enticing than reading 400pages of words. None the less, i do not underestimate the value of a good read. I much prefer to read and enjoy the book prior to watching the movie.

I liked being able to pick out the things they included in the movie, and the things they decided to leave out. And, the think of the differences in the way they represented the vampires, the people. They left out the entire section of Louis' neighbour, when she tells her and then leaves the city/town.

Watching the rest of the 'book' in the form of a movie was a great filler - to help me finally bring an ending to the story.

Interesting. Very.

To reccommend

I finished the Rape of Nanking on my plane ride back to Toronto.

The book was horrifying, heart-breaking, grief-striking... yet so powerful. brings to light the endurance of suffering that has been silent for more than half a century.

I can't believe that I didn't read this earlier, yet I am happy that I've read it and am a littlemore knowledgeable about my own people.

I recommend this book to you if you are interested in history, especially silenced history. I recommend this book to you if you are of japanese decent, to learn of what your government did, and what they did not do. I recommend this book to you if you are of chinese decent - it brings a very different perspective (being a north american raised chinese, it certainly brought a different view). and finally, even if none of the above applies to you, this book is a great read.
I'm not a big fan of history, but this book carries with it so much more than mere history. I really like how Chang writes. But, do be prepared, the contents are gripping and horrifying.

Thank you for reccommending this book for me to read.

Back from "VEGAS BABY!"

Spent the last 5 days with family in the "fabulous" Las Begas.

The STRIP is so pretty, especially in the night-time. I couldn't stop thinking of chris and how he might love to take shots of the city. Some of the architechture. but, then again, i think he's more of a scenery guy. And in the case the Grand Canyon wuld probably be better.

And, the Grand Canyon we went to also. And, wow.. when we got there, it so so darn snowy. he fog was so thick, we couldn't see a damn thing.

We went to the South Rim of the Canyon, where it's supposed to be more scenic. A good 4.5 hour drive in the thicket of the snow, and with people driving at turtle speed. It was endurable for me. I slept most of the way, and by most, i mean about 95% of the ride. What else was there for me to do?! I opened my eyes to eat and pee. no poops in Mickey D's washroom.

It was good, i watched a few shows. LE REVE is a must see!! It's so damn good! I didn't really ge the story, but that's okay. I the stunts and acobatics, the use of lighting and the stage made up for it all. I watched the Blue Man Group 2 nights before Le Reve, and i'd have to say, Le Reve - hands down. It is a different type of show, but the buck for the bang was definitely le reve.
you get to see 3 shows in one for le reve. You get comedy, acrobatics and aquatic shows ll in one. There's no much theatre, but there wasn't much of that in the blue man show either.

The blue man you get ots of musical stuff - their musical stunts were really really good. and they were pretty darn funny. they were entertaining, but i can't help but say this for the thousandth time, Le Reve smoked SMOKED the Blue Men, in my little teeney beeety point of view.

So many roulette, 3 car poker, poker, black jack, tables and slot machines i walked by. but, not a single penny was spent. And, wished I played roulette! For me, placing a bet is based on luck. and my gut. I don't understand probability in the sense of a ball and a spinning wheel with numbers on it. and, i don't understand how people can say that it's more likely to stop on a red, because that's the pattern. Well, that pttern was there? it was: bbbb rr bb r b r b ...
and a guy placed the bet on a black, it was black. i placed the next bet (in my mind) on a red. and it was a red.

It just doens't make sense to me.. how people can say that a certain number is more of less likely to be the number that the white ball lands on... it's a matter of probability, the force that the ball is whipped into the wheel, the timing, speed and location that the ball hits the wheel at.. and well, whenever it decides to slow down and drop into a slot. to my simple mind, it's 1 in 38 chance for a single number, but apparently, i'm incorrect.

but, i think it's futile to try to explain it to me now.

i'm getting a bit sleepy - that might explain the non-coherence and scatteredness of this post. perhaps i'll continue this at a later time?

anyways, what i do want to end with is: I WANT TO GO BACK TO VEGAS!

The Rape of NANKING

I'm beginning to read this book.
I've just read the Introduction, and I don't know what to feel.

It's painful.

And, i recall reading parts of Iris Chang (the author's) suicide notes from wikipedi.com - how she says that she thinks the CIA are following her. Considering how political this event is - Japan's denial of the event...

And, if we think for a minute - why has this massacre been so silent? Why do i not even know of this massacre? I believe that many westerners don't know about this massacre. I wonder if the Chinese curriculum teach this. More importantly, and sadly (and this is the political part), the Japanese curriculum does not include it.

They, unlike the germans, do not apologize for their actions (ruthless and brutal - much worse than gas chambers). They do not even ACKNOWLEDGE it. They DENY it.

And, this angers me.

It make me ask - why do we only learn about the Holocaust? Why do we not learn about the 20-40 million Russians that died, or the 13-20million Chinese that die during the WW2? Why do we only look at the jewish people that died?

Is it because it's European? And, being in a "European colony" that is what we learn about?
Unfortunately, yet seemingly so true, it seems that everything is so political.

I am grateful for Iris Chang, for her realization, her courage and her passion to bring the victims of the Rape of Nanking to shine a bit of light. If only any of these killings, and their sheer brutality, their humiliation and horrific-ness were brought to light as much as the holocaust, it would help the victims, who many of which are here no more, and bring their silenced suffering out of the closet. But even then, will the political world acknowledge it? Will the Japanese be willing to admit their doings to trying to erase their terrifying and horrible acts? Will they be willing to be shamed and apologize?

Perhaps it will take the falling of the sky for that to happen.

Damn, it's sad that Iris is gone.
I wish she were here to continue to advocacy of the silenced Chinese.
And, it makes it so damn emotional that these are my people. This is a part of my history.

An untold history, the forgotten and silenced history.

I hope that it will not be for me.

self-inflicted stress

And, this is life.

It's the time for applications - and a previous graduate from the B.Ed program is right. There are 'spurts' of things that happen. November was practicum, and decemeber was handing in assignments and conferences. Now, January is job application/employment race.

And, I think I'm letting it get to my head. It's getting to me. And, I'm feeling the stress/heat of it.

I also found out that i'm quite good at self-bashing, i need to improve that.

time for some dog talk

chris sent me a link to GIANT DOGS:

http://www.dogbiz.com/giant-dog-breeds.html

and... these dogs are huge! ^^

I like the Hungarian Kuvasz dog. Independent, grand, but perhaps not really the kind of dog for me.

It sparked my interest in going to another site to do a little quiz about the dog that might best suit my criteria. I added: i am willing to groom once a month.

And, the Berger de Picard was one of them.

We had a slight discussion about the health issues that dogs were prone too - and th Picard seems to be prone to quite a few (the effects of inbreeding....)

There dogs don't seems to have that many health issues:

Chinese Chongqing Dog
Siberian Husky
Alaskan Malamute

Oh, the alaskan malamute, so beautiful!
but, i do think that the chinese dog, it's temperament and grooming needs (or, lack of!!), fit my lifestyle a little more.

They're so stubbbbbby. They're not too big. I'd like a bigger dog, but unless i breed an animal that has all those traits, i ain't gonna find one that has all the things that i want!
the chiense dog... is doable. i just don't know how i'll be able to find one in Canada....

idiot

i am such an idiot!!!! *frustrated gurgling noises*

how can i be so impulsive, and act on such an emotional basis? And, in the end, what ends up happening? I end up apologizing and taking the blame for something that is probably not even my fault. And, if someone wants to attribute it to me.. that's shouldn't be my 'issue' that i should deal with personally.

Although, here's the thing - it's difficult to separate the personal from the professional. Which is which? is it personal, or is is professional. Do i leave it alone or what?

Why the heck did i apologize?
I did it becaus i felt sorry - and i felt pressurized into thinking that i did something wrong. I felt an obligation to be apologetic. Lady Lo, something's wrong here.

someone needs a head check.

reflecting

it is during these times that i find i learn the most.
it is during these moments that thoughts of meaning seep through the millions of layers of plywood that's wedged between my ears.

And, even then, i do not completely understand or grasp the concept that I've "contemplated".

a sense of .... homesickness?

I miss my family.

it's been a while since I've had this feeling, but I miss their presence.

I don't miss a lot of things, but just in this moment when my guard is down, when I'm leeting my emotions get to me (and i know I am), I miss them really bad. I want to hug my tigger, and my pooh bear. and snuggle them until I fall asleep.

that sounds like a good plan.