So, here i am sitting.
the things we learned in my psych ed class are just racing thorough my mind as I think about myself and the amount of effort i am putting into this cover letter business.
The thing about being praised of 'being smart' or a 'natural', a 'talent', 'intelligent'... opposed to being praised ' you worked hard' or 'good work' or 'you tried very hard'. Studies show that students who were praised 'you're smart, etc' were less likely to want challenges and were less likely to thrive and be resistant to setbacks than students who were praised for their hard/good work. The reasoning behind this is those who were priased of being a natural talent or are intelligent believe that they have something to live up to.. that they need to continue to have such a performance.
Am i feeling that now. You see, if i need to put A LOT of effort into something, doesn't that mean that I am not smart enough, because i need to put SO much effort into it? Or, if i put effort into something, and it's not good, or the results that come from it do not demonstrate that i am indeed 'intelligent, or am a talent, or that i am smart', then I am not living up to what I have been praised for: being smart. So if i am not smart... what am i?
No, no.. there's no way that i could be stupid....
and, this goes on and on.
so, i suppose that i believe i am smart, and that i am capable. Now then, why is it so damn difficult? I feel that I am putting in a lot of effort, and i am definitely putting in a lot of time. why am i not getting any results? am i realy not trying hard enough? I think that's it's not posible that i'm stupid... so, i just give up. because, putting any more effort.. is too much effort for my 'intelligent' self to exert. It's just better to self-handicap than to have to face any evidence that will support 'i am not intelligent or capable'.
i don't know which is more breaking: the realization that I am not succeeding, or the realization that i have such a mode of thought. Either way, the facts aren't good.
damn it.
well, enough of this.
I need to work on my applications.
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2 comments:
don't question your intelligence. does it really matter THAT much whether you're really 'smart' or not? there's nothing you can really do (at this age anyway) to change how naturally smart you are. so don't question it. question your strategies or the way you go about handling these applications.
you're right...
and, i must admit that i didn't articulate my thoughts very clearly. intelligence isn't the main idea. it's all the connotations behind it. the self-esteem, the psychological reputation, so on and so forth.
i think it has much to do with: how i think other people will think. and behind that is: oh, well, i've been classifed as such and such, so i'll need to live up to such and such. but of course, all this is in the background.
and ah, the strategies. you see, perhaps it's the wisdom and some sort of clever-ness that pertains to understanding the strategies...
see, that's my problem. I can't seem to figure them out.
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