it is i...

perhaps it is i, who has caused you most pain.
i who has hurt you the most.

my heart grieves. what has been done cannot be undone.
what has passed by, we can no longer go back to grasp.

my heart is dying.
suffocating, perhaps.

turn to ashes.

what is there that I can do to make things better?
i am not sure that there is anything that i can do.
not sure if anything that i do do will make a difference.

because i cannot undo what i have already done.
we can not relive what we have already lived.

it is too bad. too bad.
yet the word bad does not describe the least magnitude of how i feel.
i wonder how you feel.

it is horrid. to live in this state.
to perpetually think of these things.

nothing we do in the future will subside those of the past.
nothing we attempt in the future will repress, wash over, cover and go over
what has come of the past.

and those were my actions.
those were my thoughts.
those were the actions that i did out of impulse.

and so, i will pay the consequences.
and i have paid. yet it is not enough.
i will continue to pay, dearly.

edit:
sorry i made you worry!!!! ^^
I'm alright, really! (yah, yah, i know you don't believe me).
But thanks for your comforts!